Thursday, May 21, 2015

Facebook fast

Saying you are fasting from Facebook sounds so pious, so upright somehow.  The reality for me is that I had to take a break (save for birthday greetings) out of self preservation, nothing particularly pious about that. 

I could give you the paragraphs why Facebook is great, staying in touch, etc. but I think most of you know the highlights for social media in general.

For me I decided to take a break because I had nothing happy to post, and Facebook seems, at least to me, not exactly a good fit for sorrow, troubles, or wrestling.  Everyone knows that is why they created Twitter. 

So I quit posting on Facebook, and quit even looking at my feed...nothing more depressing than scrolling through all those happy people. is quite time consuming to keep up with everyone...but that is more rationalization that reason. 

It has been almost a month since my last bummer of a post here at the blog.  Sorry to tell you, things have not improved for me mentally, physically, or spiritually.  Life is like that though, figured it would be a good reminder for me to write it all down.  Bear with me if you will then. 

I have received encouragement beyond what I could have imagined since our last email update, from sources not imagined, some quite well written, impressive, heartfelt, and just humbling and all makes sense on a written level, but not quite translating to real life level yet. 

I knew sharing some in the update of our problems and struggles would be little I knew of how infrequently that is done from the responses we received.  That is sad too it seems to me.  Too many of us try to keep up appearances rather than share in each other's sorrow. 

I am overwhelmed with inadequacies, responsibilities, and just who I am or who people perceive me to be...staring me square in the face to remind me how what a terrible representative for Christ I am here in particular, but anywhere in general.  Trying to dig deep, trying discover the answers, what to do, how to is hard. 

One the one shoulder I feel all the crap in me dragging things down and wonder if it would not be wiser to leave to protect the ministry for the long term.  On the other shoulder...a reminder that I was never good enough, never will be good enough, and that it is not my mission nor my responsibility for its success, that is for the real Boss. 

No matter where I go (no real plans on leaving or exit strategy we are planning in secret...I am just being brutally honest with you) or what I do with my life...when troubles surface, when I want to run away and hide, when the doubts seek me out, when I fail, when it seems everyone hates me or whatever it might be...when I feel Jesus asking me "Do you want to go too?"  as he asked His disciples in John 6, I must remember to cry out, to remind myself of what Peter replied: "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life,  and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God."

Excuse me now, I have to go post this on Facebook, don't ask me exactly why. 

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