Friday, April 1, 2016

Nudist colony

There is that famous story of the emperor who wore no clothes.  I have been bouncing lately between feeling particularly blessed by God in ways I do not deserve given my behavior, in the direction of the mission and decisions being made, the proverbial arrow on the ground guiding us, etc...and then to looking around after something happens and waiting for someone to shout out..."Hey idiot!  You are not wearing any proverbial clothes!  Your screwed that up, your ideas are crap and so are you!  What, do you live in a nudist colony or something?"

Thankfully, it has not yet happened in an "outside voice", but it is troublesome...and good I suppose.  It is troublesome because I do not want to screw anything up, or have it thought that I actually know what I am doing.  It is good because if I was supremely confident in everything, or even most things...that sort of conceit usually leads to darker places.

Am I the only one that constantly feels like he is a teenager (or younger...I have been blessed to meet quite a few teenagers probably more mature than I) in terms of decision making terms of terms of being anyone worth listening to?  This is no knock on my or parents in general...they did a fine job with the material with which they had to work, but I pale in comparison to what seems to be expected by "society."

Politicians, military leaders, business leaders, etc...those relentless in the pursuit of what they know is the right direction, and I am constantly standing in the crossroad thinking that there are several fine ways to go, or just staying right here would be fine, and yet...I just do not know.  I feel judged by people that I am not sure even exist...for my ministry leadership, family leadership, for how I live as a tall person, a white person, a male person, a fat person, etc.

So I know that this queasiness is is a tether that keeps me running back to my Father, where the real answers are.  Yeah, I know that..but I am a bit tired of staring into the faces of people I know and do not know...and not fulfilling what I am guessing they need/want/demand/question.  Some say I am a scary dude, an angry guy, intimidating, or...gosh, who knows what other bad things, or even good things they might say.  I don't think I am scary, cannot remember the last time I was really angry, and never felt like I have been able to intimidate anyone...I honestly can not remember being able to intimidate anyone ever.

I am more ok living with that now than I was in the past.  At least I think so.  And I can at least see a little outside my own selfishness of the situation thinking...maybe other people have their own stuff going on that has nothing to do with me, or to do with me that I cannot heal/fix/help.

I do not have it all together...there is a solid foundation of faith, but there is also jello, duct tape, and who knows what else.  I am a mess in recovery...fearing a living in a nudist colony.

Am I the only one?

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